different kind of post

So, I feel like I am always the bearer of bad news. That gets a little bit depressing after awhile. I know that I created this venue for the sole purpose of reporting on Brent's condition. It has been a great way for all of our family and friends to keep up to date without me having to be on the phone 24/7 trying to remember who I told what.

Today I would like to share with you a few feelings I had last night while waiting for Brent while he was down in radiology having another drain placed. If you aren't into emotions and warm fuzzies, then stop reading. :)

We get pretty discouraged when all of these complications arise. We would love to have a normal surgery and recovery time. Many times our frustrations and anger get the best of us, and that, coupled with little or no sleep, leads to major depression.

Last night, as we found out that he was full of fluid and infection, the fear and uncertainty set in. Here we go again. When the final decision was made to go down to radiology for a drain, Brenda, (Brent's sister), asked if I wanted her to come sit with me. I said no, as I was feeling extremely tired and just wanted to be alone. Brenda has been awesome in keeping me occupied and eating healthy. :)

I posted updates on here, and checked Facebook. I read all of the encouragement and love and instantly felt sustained. I Talked with Dennis, Brent's brother, and Kathie, our sister-in-law, and felt their love and concern also. I texted a few friends, and was texting the kids to keep them up-to-date. It's hard for the kids to be so far away. I was slowly feeling a sense of calm. I turned on my ipod with religious music playing, and just kind of tried to rest. I texted our Home Teacher and our Bishop. Bishop said a good scripture when you are feeling tired and frustrated is Doctrine & Covenants 121:9. This section was written while Joseph Smith was a prisoner in Liberty jail. (verses 7-9)

7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

9 Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

At that same exact moment that I read that scripture, I got texts from two of my dearest friends. The strength and support that they give to me is amazing. My friends do stand by me, and for that I am grateful. One friend should have been asleep, but texted back and forth, lending support. I could feel the prayers offered in our behalf, and at that moment I was blessed with the strength that I needed. I felt a calmness overtake me and I just felt like I was rejuvenated once again.

When we feel helpless and useless and very overwhelmed, we need to remember that there is nothing we can do to change the circumstances surrounding us. We need to let it go, and turn it over to the Lord. One friend always says, "It is what it is." Another friend reminded me that " it has been said that when you feel like you can't take it anymore you need to focus on why you have fought the fight in the first place. Concentrate on the good and that will help ease the bad..." He also reminded me that 'He' has already given me the strength. I just have to remember that and tap into it.

I knew at that moment that whatever happened/happens is totally out of my control, but I can rely on my faith and my friends and my wonderful family to sustain me no matter what. The complete calm and assurance that I felt was overwhelming. I'm grateful for this experience.

I'm tired of the shear panic and fear that has been a constant companion to me for the past 5 1/2 years. We cannot determine what the future will bring, but we can stop worrying so much about it.

I love my husband more than words can ever say. I hate seeing him suffer time after time after time. I'm grateful that he has not given up, but that he continues to fight to remain here on earth. I am thankful for all of our family and friends who have given so much of themselves in our behalf. You will never know what you mean to us, as it is so hard to put into words. We know that we can never in a million years repay you for your kindnesses. We only hope that we can ease your burden someday.

Sorry if I've rambled. You can just chalk it up to fatigue, or extreme humility when I think about all that I have to thankful for.

Lisa